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Talk:We Can't Stay/@comment-17759525-20150811014314
(-dredges up a half-written comment that she apparently never actually posted here from the abyss that is the labyrinth of files on her laptop and decides to actually post it here, even though she doesn't remember what all she wrote way back then and it's probably really awkward and old and stuff-) SPOILERS PROLOGUE Ohh, this is so dramatic and terrible. In a good way, of course. If a cat dying in pain can be called “good”. I love it and it’s sad and SCREAM. I like how realistically you portray their emotions, though; there are people who will write a death scene and it’s like “the cat died, they mourned, they go hunting.” This, on the other hand, is fairly realistic as fiction goes, and it’s a good set-up for the rest of the story. I think so, anyways. CHAPTER ONE Ah, Clan life. I love these little kits; they’re so adorable and cute. (Totally not synonyms, what?) It’s interesting how they latch onto Stormshine, and I do like how it transitions into first person, too. Gives the readers an even better sense of everything. I do feel sorry for her, though – trapped in camp all day because of kits that aren’t even hers. They’ll have to grow up sometime… Poor little kit, frightened out of her fur. She just seems so vulnerable and weak – yes, that’s a good thing – and I just want to hug her <3 I especially love your description of Nightkit and how he “looks just as tiny as the day he was born”. Foreshadowing, perhaps…? Yeah, I remember Gorsethorn. What a jerk. Even from this early on, I can tell that he’s working on his own agenda here. You have great descriptions, like how you compare the kits to “shrinking violets” – I’d never have thought to call them that. He’s like, he’s like… it’s like he’s both trying to save Stormshine from her unwanted responsibility and to crush her world in one blow. Stupid tom. CHAPTER TWO More beautiful descriptions! How is it that she always finds Gorsethorn? Argh. I just want to reach into this story and shake him by the scruff. He’s not gonna let her forget his words, is he? He’s like the feline version of Shakespeare, all fancy and “let’s confuse everyone to do my bidding”. Shakespeare crossed with Edgar Allen Poe. “Nevermore.” Wow. …Alright, enough with the comparisons to creepy, verbose writers. I like the introduction to Gorsethorn’s past; travelling cats are always interesting. He’s right, he’s wrong, and he’s a jerk. It’s always pretty great when characters play other characters’ emotions, though, so kudos to you for that. Oho, this can’t be good. Her leaving with Gorsethorn, temporarily (or not) abandoning the kits, seems dangerous… I love it >:3 She’s already starting to give in; I can tell. She’s becoming that classic says-the-first-thought-in-mind-cos-he’s-cute she-cat; and, no, it’s not a bad thing. Characters like that are more realistic. He kinda reminds me of Mapleshade from Crookedstar’s Promise. “You care for your Clan, correct?” *rolls eyes* Traveller or no, he sounds like he’s speaking from outside the Clan, and that can’t lead anywhere good, except in the literary standpoint of interesting stories. (He knows Italian now. Thaaaat’s just great.) CHAPTER THREE Classic little kits, distracted by the littlest things. Poor Smokewhisp, though XD Toms aren’t good at that kind of thing. Do cats even blush? Like, it’s not really visible, is it? “Young love.” Ha. He sounds like an elder now. Silly cat. I love this deputy, though, like, “Stop mooning at his pretty ears and come do something important!” Exaggerations, but, oh, how I love that kind of personality in a character. This little section here is pretty interesting – descriptive, oh, cool, they live on an island, and maddeningly infuriating for some cats, I’m sure. Though now I’m kinda wondering how Gorsethorn got there… Oh, gosh, this is dramatic and foreboding and MUST KEEP READING CHAPTER FOUR More drama. More how-terrible-it-would-be-if-that-were-a-cliffhanger. You’re such a good writer, augh Finchbreeze is such a great cat. Protecting kits that aren’t even hers, not being swayed by evil stupid toms… Oh, that was terrible. What a ruthless Clan that must be, to attack the kits before any other cat. So much for the warrior code. Good, Stormshine isn’t a character who just kills and sleeps through it all. Again, it makes her more realistic. It’s interesting how she wants to be safe in camp now, after all the times she’s tried to escape. Gorsethorn’s finally leaving? Good. Stupid cat. Why is he trying to - *kicks him* STOP SCREWING EVERYTHING UP, YA STUPID TOM. Ugh, he’s terrible… END SPOILERS